Future

A Pakistani Ambassador to the UN just finished giving a speech and walks out into the lobby where he met President Obama.

They shook hands and walked together in the long verandah when suddenly the Pakistani said, 'You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.'

President Obama says 'Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do.'

The Pakistani whispers, 'My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, Chinese, Japanese and even Indians but never any Pakistani, Afghani or Arabs. So my son is very upset. He doesn't understand nor do I about why there aren't any Arabs, Pakistanis, an Afghanis in the Star Trek show.'

President Obama laughs and leans toward the Pakistani, and whispers in his ear, 'Because... the show is all about the future.'

Priest & Lawyer

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

Shoot

A woman woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African plantation. She quickly phoned the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a fierce Doberman pinscher. As they walked to the tree, the warden explained, "What's going to happen is that I go up the tree, throw the gorilla out, and the dog clamps his teeth on the gorilla's balls." The woman nodded and was surprised when he handed her the gun. "You know how to use this?" he asked. "I do," she said, "but what's it for?" The warden replied, "Well ..... sometimes the gorillas are pretty tough and throw me out of the tree. If that happens, I want you to do one thing." "Shoot the gorilla?" "No," he answered, "the dog."

Forgot wife's name

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

SInging

My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."

"How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."

Old vs Young

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."

Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!

Get Out

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

Again

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"

Lawyer & Doctor

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer

Indan Business Mentality

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House
in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh , another from India and the
third, from China.

They go with a White House office to examine the fence.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I
figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my
team and $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my
team and $100 profit for me)".

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, outraged says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Indian contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and
we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

Dead body from US

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters: Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha, I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT . Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you. On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute the rest among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her. The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews. Please distribute all these fairly. PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days

Jokesss

Dangerous Food

A Doctor at a health conference said “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be destructive, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man sitting in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake".

Not For Sale!!!

An art collector is walking through a big pet store where he notices a dirty bad looking cat licking greedily the milk from a dish in the doorway of a store. He takes a very close look at the scene and he notices that the dish is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.

And the owner says "Sold," and passes over the cat to the collector.

"Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old dish. This cat is used to it and it will save me having to get another dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry my friend, but that's my lucky dish. So far this week I've sold seventy cheap cats for very high price."

Thank You

An old woman had 3 daughters. One day she decided to test her three Sons-in-law.

One a fine day, she was walking along a lake shore with the first son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.

The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore. The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!"

Another day she went out with her second son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.

The second son-in-law too jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore. The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!"

The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same. But that guy got scared and ran away without offering any help to her. The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.

The next day the third son-in-law was suprised to see a new brand new Rolls-Royce waiting at his doorsteps with the following wordings
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!

"Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law! !"

Corporate world

Corporate World

Any coincidence in corporate world is purely coincidental?

Dont stay late in office

Hi Parul,
I see you every night sitting in the office till very late. Don't you have friends? Don't you feel like talking to your roommate?
You should not sit very late in the office. this is a genuine advice from me.
Thanks,
Rahul Mehra

After reading the mail, Parul was very angry on the sender. She simply deleted the mail and said to herself "who is he to give me any advice?". She
again got back
to her work.
After that night, every night Rahul would keep sending her mails and Parul would simply delete them without even reading the content of the mail. But
one fine
night the subject line attracted her and she had to open the mail. The subject line of the mail was "Hi Gorgeous"
Hi Gorgeous,
Yes today you are looking very gorgeous in this red saree. I know you don't read my mails as you don't like the advices I give you.
So today I wont give you any advice, I will just say that I am love with you. You know you are very beautiful and if you take care of yourself many men
will fall in
love with you.
I am sure someday you will also fall in love with me. And then we will go out for a date.
Oh before I end the mail I must tell you that the best thing about is that smile. Or is it those intense which needs some sleep at the moment.
Take care dear.
Love you.
Rahul Mehra.

After reading the mail she was shocked. A person she had never met, never seen, never spoke to was saying that he was in love with her. She started
thinking was
this always in his mind. How did he get her id? Where had he seen her? Many questions like this came in her mind. Finally she thought of giving a
warning and
replied to his mail.
Hi Rahul,
I don't want to spoil your career but if you don't stop sending me mails I will raise an ASHI against you.
Thanks and Regards,
Parul Jain

After this mail, the mails from Rahul stopped coming in Parul's inbox. She thought that finally Rahul has got scared and wont be mailing her again. After
several
nights, Parul was resting on her chair and her eyes closed. When she opened her eyes she saw Rahul's mail in her mailbox.
Hi Gorgeous,
With your closed eyes you were dreaming about me, right? Oh sorry for not sending any mails in the last few days.
I was a little busy. I am sure you would have missed me a lot.
One more thing before I forget I want to say that I am not scared of ASHI. An ASHI cant be a reason to stop loving you.
Love you.
Rahul Mehra

Parul was twisting her hair and putting them behind her ears. At that moment itself another mail came from Rahul,
Now stop playing with your hair and leave the office. it is very late.
Love.
Rahul Mehra

Parul was shocked as to how did this person know what she was doing on her desk. She got up to check whether anyone was there in her floor but
could find
only empty cubicles. She thought maybe he made a wild guess and decided to leave the office. before leaving she saw another mail from Rahul.
Hi Parul,
Searching for me??? You have started falling in love with me. J
Love you.
Rahul Mehra

Parul was shocked and scared to hell. She simply switched off her machine and ran outside the office. in the next few days she would not open any
mails sent by
Rahul. One night a mail with subject line "Don't be scared of me" came to her mailbox. First she thought to ignore the mail then she thought lets see
what has
Rahul written this time.
Hi Parul,
Don't be scared of me. I can say that you are scared of me because of the way you ran out from the office the last time you read my mail.
I know few minutes back you had gone to have coffee. You are thinking how I know this because I can feel you around me.
Only once you also start feeling me you will know that I am near to you. Very near. Just sitting next to you.
I will wait for the night when you start having the same feelings for me.
Will always love you.
Rahul Mehra

Now Parul started thinking was Rahul really in love with her? What he was saying was it true? But how could he know so much about her? How could he
say
what she was doing and what not? Parul thought lets give a try and see whether Rahul is always in love with her or not. From that night she also started
replying
to his mail.
Hi Parul,
Do you feel bad if I call you gorgeous?
Love you.
Rahul Mehra

Parul's reply:
Yes Rahul. I don't like this word.
You can address me as Parul, isn't it short and simple. and I love my name a lot.
Thanks and Regards,
Parul Jain

Rahul's reply:
Point noted Parul. But when I am happy, excited I would call you with some special name at that time.
Tomorrow you have your certification so all the best for that.
Love you.
Rahul Mehra

Parul was again shocked as to how does he know about her certification. She had never told him. She replied
Rahul,
Who is the person who is giving you details about me? I had not told you about my certification how do you know it?
Thanks and regards,
Parul Jain
Rahul replied back to her
I know it because I in front of you. Cant you see me? Cant you feel me close to you?
I also know that after 3 days you have your appraisal. Now this you have not told anyone. Just your PM knows about it.
Do you think your PM will give me all these details?
Love you.
Rahul Mehra
Parul not sure of the answer. She knew her PM would not have told Rahul all this but how did Rahul know so much about her was a mystery for her.
Finally she
thought she will talk to her PM, Rohan.
Next day, she went to her PM's desk. "Hi Rohan. I wanted to ask you something".
Rohan:- "Sure Parul. Are having any issues?"
Parul:- "No. actually I wanted to know about a person named Rahul Mehra."
Rohan was shocked on hearing that name. PM:- "How did you come across this name. has anyone told you about him?"
Parul:- "No one has said anything to me about him. Few days back he started sending me e-mails. First I ignored but then he would give such details
which I did
just few minutes back. He even knows my appraisal date."
Rohan:- "Are you sure you got mails from Rahul Mehra only?"
Parul:- "Yes very much. But why do you looked shock?"
Rohan:- "Because Rahul Mehra died 2 years back. He use to sit at the same place where you are sitting. How can a dead person send mails to you."
Parul was shocked. She didn't know how to react to this.
Rohan:- "If you don't believe me then you can try finding his name in the telephone directory. Maybe someone told you about him and because of work
stress you
started imagining that he is sending you mails."
Parul:- "I am not imagining anything. He has really send me a mail. I can show you in my mailbox."
Rohan:- "Okay Parul I believe you but still I think you should take a break and go home."
Parul was still in shock with the news she got from Rohan. She just did a search on telephone directory for a name with Rahul Mehra and page returned
no
records. She again checked the mail id and employee number details. She did a search many times that day by putting various combinations but the
search page
displayed the same message "No matches found for the given search criteria". She could not believe that someone could hack the system and send
mails to her
from an non-existing id. She attached the mails sent by Rahul and sent it to Rohan as a proof that she was not dreaming.
On seeing the attached mails even Rohan was in shock. He came to Parul's desk. Rohan:- "I think by mistake his id has not been deleted and
someone who knows
about it is playing with it."
Parul:- "But I checked the details on telephone directory there are no records available for this id."
Rohan:- "Talk to the CCD people and see what they have to say."
She called up the CCD people. They took control over her system and looked at the mail sent by Rahul Mehra. The mail was sent from the from the
same computer
which Parul was using. The time stamp at which the mails were sent Parul had logged in. Also there was no evidence that a remote desktop
connection was made
or mail was sent through web mail. Even the CCD people were clueless as to how a mail has been sent from a non-existing id and from Parul's system
itself.
There were no viruses or torjans or any other kind of threats on Parul's system. Her anti-virus was upto date. The whole day was gone in finding a
loophole as to
how did Parul get such a mail in her mailbox. Parul was tierd from the day's happening and so she decided to leave early from the office that day.
The next day when Parul came back, she saw a mail from Rahul Mehra. She didn't know whether she should delete that mail or read that mail. She
was scared to
open the mail. Somehow she gained some courage and opened the mail. The context of the mail was:-
Hi Parul,
Good to see that you left the office early tonight. I know Rohan told you about my death.
I was also a workaholic like you. I would sit late in the office, even when no one was around me.
I just being at office. I had no friends, no social life. Even on weekends I would use to come to office.
I missed all the fun in my life. Even my death happened at office while I was working.
My dead body was found by the house keeping guy and the security guard at the reception.
I took a lot of work stress which my conscious mind could not bear that day. I ignored all the health problems I was having.
And finally on that night (20. 10. 07, 11:24 PM) all these reasons became responsible for my death.
Now you know why I am not scared of ASHI.
But yes if I was alive then also I wont be scared of ASHI because I have really fallen in love with you but we cant be together until your death.
Now the choice is yours whether you will kill yourself on your own or whether I need to do the honors.
Waiting for your death. Love you always.
Rahul Mehra

Some love stories have ghost in it.
Cheers!

Engineers

7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE to Mumbai. So both groups gather at Pune Station.

Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority .

SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI):
------------ --------- --------- -------- ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- - -
7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 tickets..
Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come......
When TC arrives, All 7 Engineers get in one toilet so when TC knocks, one hand come out with the ticket and the TC goes Away.....

NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct Train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE


SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA):
------------ --------- --------- ---- ------------ --------- --------- ------------ - -----------
Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equal"....All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket Engineers don't buy any ticket at all!!!!!..

TC arrives....

ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.ALL ENGINEERS IN THE OPPOSITE.

One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors toilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the ticket and comes in Engg. Bathroo! m... TC DRIVES out ALL the doctors from the toilet and they areheavily fined.


SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA): !
------------ --------- --------- --------- --
SO now both the group r on LONAVALA station. Doctors planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune.

This time doctors decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.

ALL Doctors take 1 tickets...Engineers BUY all 7 tickets this time...
SO TC Comes.. All Engineers showed their tickets ............ ....... .....

Doctors are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL train....... ....

Conclusion: Technically intelligent people are geniuses, don't mess with Engineers

Pakistan

1. The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:

'I'm sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything.'


2. Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:

Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that...

Bush: What buildings? What people??

Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?

Bush: It's eight in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops....Will call back in an hour!


3. Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?'

The barman says 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Hello, what are you guys doing?'

Bush says, 'We're planning world war 3'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

And Vajpayee says, 'Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman.'

And the guy exclaimed, 'A bicycle repairman?!! !'

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!'

4. Pakistani on the moon:

Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem..

Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem....

Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?

A: ...... Problem Solved!!!

Neighbour